Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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