I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
