Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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