I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
