Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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