if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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