Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
