im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I love you. Go after that dick
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