Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
