I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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