One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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