I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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