I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
