Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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