a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
