i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
