I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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