After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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