you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
