And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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