the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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