Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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