Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
