God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
