dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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