someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Randomize
