I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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