I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
