just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
