These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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