Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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