you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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