mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
