He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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