You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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