we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Randomize