I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
