Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It's blow job season.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
