She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
