Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
