the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
