you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
