and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar