I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
