Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Oh god it's open bar.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
