I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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