she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
