weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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