I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
