I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
