i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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