i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
