Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
