I wish they made helmets for livers.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Randomize
