thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Randomize
