apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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