It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Can vaginas get frostbite?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
