i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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