i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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