So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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